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Monogamous or open relationship

Open relationships are more common among gay men than among straights. Gays usually find it easier to discuss the topic: ‘What are we allowed to do? Where are the boundaries? How often can each of us do it with others? Will we still have sex together? Will we have someone else join us?’ You can also have a relationship without sex. All flavours are possible. And you can also ask yourselves: ‘What does “not having sex” mean?’ For many people, sex equals fucking. But cuddling is also a form of sexuality. It is not uncommon that partners who no longer fuck with each other still experience a lot of intimacy together. It can have real consequences if one partner in a monogamous relationship is a lot less interested in sex than the other. With an open relationship, you can compensate for such differences in sex drive by having sex with others.

Outlet
If I find myself looking for sex outside of my relationship very often, that’s a sign for me to ask myself what’s going on in my life? When my last relationship was not going well, I would go looking for sex as a way of getting rid of the stress from that relationship. It worked like an outlet for me.
Walter

It has to do with trust
It’s important for me to have a monogamous relationship. I once had an affair with a man who also did it with other women. That was a lot of fun, but it was purely about the sex. I couldn’t give myself completely to him. I’m really happy that my boyfriend doesn’t do it with other women. It has to do with trust. If you have a relationship, then you really choose for each other. And on top of that: if your relationship is monogamous, you don’t have to wonder whether your partner is doing it safe with the others. That makes it easier.
Corina

Not afraid of competition from a date
I have an open relationship, but neither of us has dates with others very often. I actually find it sort of a turn-on that he has sex with other people. I think I would even find it exciting to watch him doing it at some point. I love my boyfriend. We have a good life together and we really understand each other. I experience intimacy with various different men around me. My boyfriend is the one I’m closest to at this moment. I am not afraid that anyone I might date could be in competition with him for that first place. I wouldn’t allow that to happen, but there is also no reason for it. If we were having a crisis in our relationship, that might be a different story. I’m also not afraid that someone else might replace me as my boyfriend’s number one person. Whenever one of us does something with someone else, we always tell each other about it afterwards.
Alexander

Difficult to bring up the idea of an open relationship later on
My first relationship was monogamous in the beginning. It was difficult for us to change that situation later, so that we could each have sex with others, outside of our relationship. You need to think about how the change will affect you personally. Which agreements do you make with each other? How does each person take the other into account? Does jealousy play a role? When my partner spent an hour with someone else, I immediately found that to be threatening. I began doubting myself right away. In my second relationship I was more relaxed about it. I thought: ‘I hope that you have fun with the other person, just as I hope that I can also do that at some point. How amazing that we come together again as partners afterwards. Obviously you both need to see things the same way. My second ex couldn’t deal with an open relationship like that and now he never wants to have anything but a monogamous relationship again.
Ben

 

 

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