Aim for fun sex! - Adrie Heijnen, doctor and sexologist

I want everyone to have a good and pleasurable sex life. As a sexologist, I look at the kinds of ‘static’ that can form an obstacle to that. I try to help my clients identify what that static is and what they can do to make it less of a problem. My motto is: ‘aim for fun sex!’ Naturally it’s up to you to decide for yourself what you enjoy doing most. Go for sex that you will be able to look back on with a good feeling, so that you won’t have a guilty conscience afterwards because you and your sex partner took certain risks. And so you won’t feel empty afterwards because you don’t really enjoy sex but are actually addicted to it. 

Motivation
With good sex, energy flows in a circular motion: from your head, from your heart and from your crotch. You and your sex partner can bring each other to great heights. Take good care of yourself when it comes to sex. Start by asking yourself if you are aware of your motivation for having sex? What are you looking for in sex? Any of the following options are okay: Are you horny and are you using the other person as a masturbation machine? Are you tense and looking for release? Do you want to experience a powerful sexual energy with each other? Sometimes people have sex as a way getting affirmation: it can make you feel that you belong to the group, or that you still count, or that you are attractive. Sometimes people have sex as a way of chasing away loneliness, or as an outlet for their anger or frustration.

Playground
I often tell my clients: ‘Sex takes place in a playground.’ You’ll have the best chances of everyone leaving the playground with a good feeling if you discuss the rules of the game with each other before you start. And if you take good care of yourself, you will also take good care of the other person. So make a point of communicating with each other. What are you looking for? What is the other person looking for? What are your boundaries? Stand up for what you want and make that clear: ‘I want to do this or that with you.’ The other person can then respond to that with yes or no. If it results in a sexual connection, that’s great. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with you, you don’t have to experience that as a rejection. If they don’t accept your beautiful present, just wrap it up again nicely and take it away with you. Too bad for them! It just says something about the desires and the taste of the other person; it doesn’t say that you are not good enough.

So what do you want?
With SM and with sex for money, the rules of the game are usually discussed in advance in very clear terms. In other situations, people often assume that the other person expects the same as they do. It can often result in an unpleasant situation if it turns out – during the sex – that the expectations of one person were very different from those of the other. It works better if you communicate directly about it with each other. So my tip would be in any case to tell the other person what you do want. And maybe there will be room for negotiating about what you initially didn’t want to do; with one person you may do other things with than you would do with someone else.

Sex as a magnifying glass
Sex can work like a magnifying glass. Problems that you have in your personality, or in your life in general, can become enlarged in your sex life. For good sex, you need to be able to stand up for yourself and to be clear about what you want. You need to feel comfortable enough to dare to let yourself go and to surrender yourself naked. What is causing your sexual problems? Are you dissatisfied with how you look? Are you lacking self-respect? Is that due to your HIV? It’s often good to go back to the basics: treat your own body with love and respect and find out if you can experience pleasure from that. Be good to yourself. Play with yourself lovingly. That is the fundament that you will carry along with you in your contacts with other people. And then come the questions: ‘What do you actually want? What are you looking for? How do you want to have sex? What do you enjoy? What do you find exciting? What do you find arousing? Do you dare to stand up for that?’ That is the only way you will get what you want. If you are confident, you will be able not only to make it clear what you want, but also to remain in contact with the other person.

HIV as a source of static
HIV or some other chronic condition can cause static in your sex life. Having problems getting or maintaining erections can also do that. My advice is: don’t simply give up. Focus as little of your attention as possible on what is not going well. Try to focus on everything that still works well. Try to see a limitation as a way of stimulating you to make the most out of your possibilities. You have to make do with what you have.

 

 

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